Pram 2k16 In Review
By Amanda Douglas, Avani Bahl, and Aidan Linscott
WOW! I mean, wow. Just—wow. Holy wow. Wow. Prom was amazing. Truly incredibly. A spectacular feat of decorative engineering* and creative power. I’m really sorry if you missed it. The last minute change of date was a bit surprising. But luckily we’ve written up a description so you can experience the night through words and memories. There were a lot of spectacular events, and even a spectacular performance cameo by a local artist.
Let’s start with the venue: Ruby Skye. It’s an incredible space to hold any event from a classy tea party to a heavy metal rock concert. After exiting your coaches and strolling with your date, arms linked, you proceed through the foyer, checking in with the Branson SWAT team of Junior Advisors, and turn down one of the hallways onto the main dance floor. Flanked by two bars with ornate wood counters is a spacious dance floor, beckoning you all to move to the groove.
Taking center stage, quite literally, was a large stage, in the center, with the disk jockey’s table on top of towering subwoofers. Two quarter turrets housing the gaffers and soundmen stood in the corners. If you looked for some reason looked away from your feet or your date, you might have noticed a second-floor balcony where Branson teachers and administration watched the mass of students try to jump to the beat.
Ignoring the Orwellian vibe, however, the dance was most enjoyable as we all jumped around like monkeys chasing bananas. The DJ was high quality (he only botched 3 transitions); he included plenty of drops and breakdowns, while also interacting with the crowd. Luckily for the adults, the smoke machine only came on at the end and not during the two slow dances.
*Typical of a Branson Prom, the theme was entirely pointless—simply a gag to advertise the “dance” (being a pogo stick for four hours), and there was an utter lack of decoration and theme at Ruby Skye. Then again, who cares? It’s not like anyone came dressed as a mime or something.
But the guest performance was incredible! In fact, it was a local artist, and he blew everyone’s mind. Any idea who gave that amazing performance? If you actually read The Blazer, you would know that it’s probably the celebrity we celebrate way too much—the one and only Gerald Gillum, better known as G-Eazy (Avani Bahl’s date—learn more here) Even if you weren’t there, G-Eazy obviously stole the night from the DJ; his performance was phenomenal, independent of his tantalizing and irresistible presence.
It was a great prom, but if you missed it, there’s always next year! And we have twenty suggestions for how you could ask a date next year!
- You could grow a potato in your backyard, and carve the message “PROM?” into it, and give it to them.
- You could vandalize the Tom Ryan Field and change the lettering to “PROM?”
- You could viciously attack them with an assortment of sports balls that all have “PROM?” written on them.
- You could spray paint “PROM?” on their front lawn, or on any piece of Branson property for that matter.
- You could attach a large brand to the front of your car so that when you T-bone your future date’s vehicle in the St. Anselm’s lot, the damage spells “PROM?”
- You could blind them with a reflecting mirror as you ask them to prom in morse code.
- Again, you could ask them in morse code, but communicate like our brethren, the dolphins (throwing in some whale and seal is probably acceptable as well).
- You could have your underclassman friend ask them on your behalf over the school public address system.
- You could throw pies at them that say “PROM?”
- You could ask them via a Jumbotron at a professional sports game.
- You could lock them in a locker that says “PROM?” on the inside.
- Alternatively, you could stuff them in a trashcan that says “PROM?” on the inside.
- You could rent a plane and write “PROM?” in the sky.
- You could kidnap them, ask them to prom, offer them a Milky Way™ as a consolation prize, and then leave them in an abandoned warehouse.
- You could have Avani Bahl post your ask on her Twitter account (that’s how she managed to bring Gerald).
- If you pay Avani Bahl a lot of money, you could ask Gerald.
- You could start chanting and burning things in front of the Commons as you begin an uncomfortable, politically incorrect, and socially awkward religious ceremony during which you ask your future date to the dance.
- You could tell them, straight up, “iwanttogotopromwithyoubutimnervoussoitalkreallyfastandidontwanttoasksocanyouaskme?thanksbye.”
- You could give them a permanent tattoo that says “PROM?”
- You could be a decent person (for once) and ask them nicely in a way they will appreciate, and be a good friend.
Finally, in case you missed the article category, the overbearing sarcasm, and the publishing date, this article is parodic.