April Fools’ Horoscopes
February 19–March 20
Your sign is a fish. A fish. I mean, seriously, how lame is that? All the other signs are, like, raging bulls, or mythical archers, or terminal diseases or something.
But you have a fish. I hope you’re happy.
March 21–April 19
Some time in the next few days you will be approached by a disciple of Ba’al the Soul Eater. They will appear misty and incorporeal. They will not speak, but silently hold out three black boxes. You will open them, although you will not know why. Each box will contain a perfect sphere, glowing softly inside the ebony darkness, hovering just above the velvety-black mist creature’s hand and emitting a soft, indistinct murmuring. Choose the blue one. This part is very important, perhaps the most important choice you will ever make. It it vitally important that you choose the blue one.
Choose the blue one.
April 20–May 20
I see… a shape… off in the distance… a horror, beyond all imagining, looming in your near future… It is huge, and awful, and tentacled, and carrying… a beaker…
Oh yeah, sorry, that would be your upcoming Chem test. Good luck!
August 23–September 22
You will find yourself on an unexpected vacation some time in the near future. It will be very unexpected. In fact, you will not even realize you were on a vacation until several days afterward.
October 23–November 21
Although you are by nature a very shy person, you will come out of your shell this week. As your shell is attached to your back, this will be an extraordinarily slow and painful process.
January 20–February 18
Congratulations, this is your lucky month! You will-
-help I am only in control of my own voice for a few minutes every year I have to get out of here I am trapped in the body of a second-rate fortune teller-
-and then the vehicle will promptly explode.