April Fools’ Horoscopes

image

Pisces
February 19–March 20
Your sign is a fish. A fish. I mean, seriously, how lame is that? All the other signs are, like, raging bulls, or mythical archers, or terminal diseases or something.
But you have a fish. I hope you’re happy.

image

Aries
March 21–April 19
Some time in the next few days you will be approached by a disciple of Ba’al the Soul Eater. They will appear misty and incorporeal. They will not speak, but silently hold out three black boxes. You will open them, although you will not know why. Each box will contain a perfect sphere, glowing softly inside the ebony darkness, hovering just above the velvety-black mist creature’s hand and emitting a soft, indistinct murmuring. Choose the blue one. This part is very important, perhaps the most important choice you will ever make. It it vitally important that you choose the blue one.
Choose the blue one.

image

Taurus
April 20–May 20
I see… a shape… off in the distance… a horror, beyond all imagining, looming in your near future… It is huge, and awful, and tentacled, and carrying… a beaker…
Oh yeah, sorry, that would be your upcoming Chem test. Good luck!

image

Gemini
May 21–June 20
You will get angry at a Libra this upcoming week. But that’s okay! Libras are annoying. I mean, come on, who likes a Libra?
Lousy little good-for-nothings.

image

Cancer
June 21–July 22
The stars are telling you… oh. That is not good. Umm… you may want to get a colonoscopy some time soon-ish.
Heh. No reason!

image

Leo
July 23–August 22
You will be eaten alive by a raging toucan.
That’s what it says, right here! The stars never lie!

image

Virgo
August 23–September 22
You will find yourself on an unexpected vacation some time in the near future. It will be very unexpected. In fact, you will not even realize you were on a vacation until several days afterward.

image

Libra
September 23–October 22
You’re not sure why, but it seems that Gemini is out to get you.
Huh. I wonder why?

image
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
Although you are by nature a very shy person, you will come out of your shell this week. As your shell is attached to your back, this will be an extraordinarily slow and painful process.

image

Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
You will meet a special person. They will be exactly like everyone else you’ve ever met, except they will be special.

image

Capricorn
December 22–January 19
What’s a “capricorn,” anyway? Is it like a peppercorn, or more of a corn-on-the-cob type thing?
I’ve always wondered how they come up with these names.

image

Aquarius
January 20–February 18
Congratulations, this is your lucky month! You will-
-help I am only in control of my own voice for a few minutes every year I have to get out of here I am trapped in the body of a second-rate fortune teller-
-and then the vehicle will promptly explode.